Lost Lady yesterday

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Lost Lady yesterday

Post by ladysdad on Fri Jun 09, 2017 5:07 pm

Yesterday we had to put our dear lab/rottweiler dog Lady to sleep.  She was 14.  She has had arthritis for a couple of years, but with pain meds and help from us, she seemed to be mostly happy though she could not run and steps were difficult.  I'll skip the details of the last few months, but Friday night, she fell and could not walk.  Her right hind leg seemed not to work.  We got her in to the vet and discovered that her leg bone was in fact covered in cancer and had broken during normal use.  She also had cancer around her lungs and other places in her body.  She did not seem to be in much pain except that she couldn't walk and wasn't fond of being carried (she weight 62 lbs).  We (my wife and I) made the decision to put her to sleep after a few days.  We wanted to give her a few last great days since she wasn't in much pain.  I took off of work and bought a lawn wagon to put her bed in.  I took her on very long walks all over our neighborhood which she had not been able to do since she had the arthritis and, back then refused anything like a wagon.  But now that she could not walk at all, she seemed to really enjoy being pulled around.  She would at times indicate that she wanted out.  I would stop and lift her out and then sit next to her while she looked around and sniffed the wind.  We had a few great but hard days together and on her last day we had a party complete with expensive dog treats from a bakery.  She ate whatever she wanted.  Then after being up with her most of the night to keep her company, we took her in.  My wife asked me if she could be alone with her when she passed since she felt they had a special bonding.  We knew also that it was time because that night her breathing seemed especially labored.   I didn't feel a need to be there at the exact moment of her passing so I said OK and waited outside. I dug her grave in our back yard and buried her.

Where I'm at now.  One day later.  Any thought of her causes me to cry.  I feel alone and isolated in this because my family seems very uncomfortable when I shed any tears even silently.  My wife is very heartbroken also but does not want anyone, me included to see her cry.  I get the feeling from them that since she is "in a better place" that somehow if I am crying that I am "not doing well".  I can talk about it a little with them, but if I say things to my wife that causes her to tear up, she asks me to stop.  (yes, I know this is a bigger marriage problem which we have been dealing with using the help of a professional counselor for years).  I don't want my teen daughters to feel uncomfortable or burdened by my sadness so I try to keep it to myself now, but I also feel so alone.  Most of my close and extended family acts as if no one should see you cry and if you are crying then it means "you are not doing well".  I also get the feeling that after a day or two I should be "getting better"  This makes me very frustrated.

I actually feel that I am doing very well considering what just happened. When a creature so wonderful leaves this world and her presence is no longer here, I feel that any kind of tears are very appropriate. Or even if years later, when recalling her and I start to tear up, I don't see anything indicating that I am not doing well. Quite the opposite, as long as it doesn't interfere with getting on with daily life, I feel that such mourning is showing how much a person loved the one they lost and how well they were able to see the pet or person's beauty.

 What I would like the most is to hug someone who also misses our dear Lady and weep together.  But it seems that this cannot happen except that we do have another dog who also seems to miss her.  She doesn't mind if I show emotion and likes to lick the tears off of my face.  

Thanks all for listening, I will be reading some of your posts so that I can return the favor and listen to you as well.


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